Private Party

The other day, I had a life defining moment. An epiphany, if you like. I was just about tired of seeking for validation from everyone around me (don’t give me that look as if you don’t get such days). Then I asked myself a brutally honest question, “What if I break (myself), and still don’t fit?”

On this day, the world was spinning wildly. It’s as if I was losing my sanity. Everything in my life was looking bleak. I have felt like a failure many times. But on this day, I felt like the queen of fail-ville. My mind seemed to have this very high-end magnifying glass, the kind that only picks the negative stuff in your life, and makes it a million times worse. And I quickly add, its resolution makes that picture crystal clear. Almost like a reality.

I assessed facet after facet of my life. My job. Fail. My social life. Fail. My financial life. Fail. My spiritual life. Fail. My family. Fail. Even my vanities. Fail. My gosh! What did I have going on in my life? (rhetoric) On top of all that, I seemed to wear my feelings on my sleeve. Every single stupid thing was hurting me. Where the hell had all my strength gone? I know I have endured shit that you would never even dream of. I was slowly sinking into despair. Come to think of it, this was not really the first time I was getting this kind of feeling. It had happened before. That’s when it hit me. Party! I needed to throw a party. Not a pity party. A private party!

I closed my eyes, and decided to pray. I hadn’t spoken to God in a long while. My soul was yearning to reach out to someone supreme. For the first time in a long time, I felt that God was listening. Now this is the weird thing. I couldn’t say a word. Tears flowed freely and passionately. I could tell that God was listening to the yearnings of my heart.

I sat in silence. Alone. And for the first time I experienced the sweetness of doing nothing. Note to self: I need to learn how to meditate. Somebody once told me, select your thoughts the way you select your clothes. I did that. I got into my mind and picked my happy memories. I listened to this special song, that I first listened to when I went on vacation to Zanzibar. Sure enough it brought such amazing memories of a happy place I went to called Paje by Night. [What kind of a party would it be without music, right?] I remained in this state of utopia for a while.

Everything was fun, until I decided to get into that part of my brain where my pain, my regrets and my wounds reside. If you know me personally, you already know that crying is my middle name. I cried, again. Deeply. I didn’t look through all the things I found in this “compartment”, otherwise I would not be here to tell this story. Then I embarked on a self forgiveness mission. Are you aware that even when acts of God happen sometimes you find yourself blaming yourself? One of these days I will throw away the organ that is responsible for such torturing emotions πŸ™‚ [This is the part of the party, where gate crashers come, and the bouncers have to throw them out.]

Then the party began. I was high (on tears). I let my guard down. Told myself I can only do me. I celebrated the address of my life. I enjoyed my own company. My solitude. Heck, I realized, it’s the best company I will ever keep. I purposed to start a fresh, to work towards being whole. I realized that it is extremely unfair of me to charge another person with the responsibility of making me happy. It had to start with me. Besides, the Bible sets self-love as the bar to loving God and even our neighbours, no? I made a conscious effort to regain my balance. They say if you lose balance, you lose your power. I had lost the power to be me, to be happy, to be content, to enjoy the beautiful thing that is life. I decided to start using the aforementioned magnifying glass to magnify not the bad things, but the good things in life. That is, to count my blessings.

Hurting people hurt others. Fact. We hurt the people we love the most. Another fact. Pause and think about it. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in a lousy mood, I seem to lash out at the people I care for more than those, I errr… don’t give a tinker’s ass for. So, there is this special somebody, who has come to my life and just that encounter has made me realize, just how wanting I am in many areas of my life. He unknowingly challenges me to come up higher and be a better person. He is the iron that sharpens this iron.

Today, I celebrate him. He is my everyday party. Yeah, I just said that.

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  1. wow thanks for sharing something so deep and personal. I had a private party myself recently, and i’m not the crying type, so it happens like three times a year lol
    Truth is, some feelings only tears can wash away.
    Then comes the freeing bit πŸ™‚
    Xoxo

    • Oh the freedom is completely to die for. The only confession I have is, that it’s a journey. It doesn’t stop at the epiphany. Thanks sweerie xoxo

  2. Sweet

    • Thanks Mrs. Mwiti. Thank you for stopping by πŸ™‚

  3. Good stuff! nothing feels as great as self realization… I can relate. Hey, God bless you in all you endeavors.

    • Hey Kawiria, that is what I discovered only recently. Bless you too lovely one.

  4. Lovely, they are a lucky lot. Who came to your life πŸ™‚ Time to throw gate crashers out coz they the first to complain the food n drinks aint enough at the party πŸ™‚ . Good treading in your new walk in life… Cheers

    • Tyra
    • October 27th, 2010

    hey galfie…have a listen to India Arie’s song Private Party…..:D bet you’ll enjoy

    • Mo
    • October 28th, 2010

    That’s the only bash where no one’s invited. Because the guest list does just fine with you. Believe you enjoyed.

    • Yes love. I sure did. Thing is, my life is constituted of many of these. It’s what makes me do the “dust-it-off” and try again. Thanks for stopping by πŸ™‚

  5. You made me pause for a minute. And think.
    Thats a rare moment right there…

    • Err. Sorry, it’s really a girlie thing. You boys (who are mostly emotionally unintelligent) don’t understand the first thing about these kinds of emotions πŸ™‚

    • sibbie
    • October 30th, 2010

    Nice.. I believe this girl *points self* has a party to attend…:)

    • Nikittacole
    • November 22nd, 2010

    Gal, lovely. If u ever write a book, rest assured at least two copies will sell. One for meself and one for me best friend. I’ve been planning to have a private party. I’ll throw one soonest. You are all NOT invited πŸ™‚

    • Hahaha. Thanks love. Thank you for not inviting me to your private party. πŸ™‚

    • Karwii
    • October 12th, 2011

    Hey, am new to your blog and am already hooked…have decided to read from where you started! I identify with so much of what you have written especially with this post. Check out the note Yesterday I cried from Lyanla Vanzat’s book, Yesterday I cried:Celebrating the lessons of living and loving.Cheers!

    • Hey Karwii. Thanks so much for your kind comments. I will be sure to check out Lyanla Vanzat’s book. Sounds like a good read πŸ™‚

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