Was It Just a Dream?!

Last night I had the worst nightmare(s) in the history of nightmares. Apparently I am not in good terms with the “fairy-of-sweet-dreams”. Why? I don’t know. My sleep was adorned with a series of four very very bad dreams. Too much for any one person on one night, right? A side bar to the fairy-of-sweet-dreams: can we take this outside?!

I will spare you the details of the gut-wrenching nightmares I had. The kind that make Nightmare on Elm Street feel like a walk in the proverbial park, because this morning I conducted a share-the-horrific-nightmare-and-see-how-respondents-react-pilot-project with two people. The results only confirmed that three of those nightmares were not blog-worthy. This means therefore that I will share only one of those dreams.

As you already know, I lost my brother Dandara to cancer two years ago. In my first dream/nightmare (I will settle for dream, it was lovely seeing Dandara again, no matter!) He was inside the house. Even in my semi-conscious state I was very aware about the fact that he is no longer alive. This is a close recollection of how the conversation went.

Me: “Kwanini umecome, si uli die?.” (Why have you come here, you died?)

Dandara: “Nimerudi ku chill na nyinyi. Maze hiyo place ni boring. Hakuna kitu sisi hufanya. Sisi hukaa tu hivyo” (I have come back to hang out with y’all. That place is so boring. There is not much to do.)
(His eyes were hollow, there was some emptiness contained there in that I can not articulate)

The dream ended as fast as it started. The only good thing about that dream was how he looked. He was tall in stature, handsome and he was in very good shape—physically. In fact, he was rocking a really fly sweater-top. That was his style. See, my brother Dandara brought a new meaning to swagg. Ask anybody. He had a serious fashion sense. Sigh. I miss my brother.

The only reason why I did not slit my wrists and drown them in really cold water when my brother died, was because I was convinced death was a blessing in disguise. It was the only way to end the pain he had felt for many years. I pictured how they would have a happy re-union with mum (those two were tighter than tight) and even how he would “live” happily ever after. Happy was one thing my brother never was while he walked this here earth. Now if he is bored where he is… I … Errr…Sigh… My worl…. I mean… Dear Lord, that would be just bad. It would kill me. It would… my God…I don’t know… every fragment of my existence hopes…

Yeah, I just said that!

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    • nikittacole
    • April 12th, 2011

    This is just heavy. But whatever you do, do not, i repeat: DO NOT go to keep Dandara company 🙂 #morbidjoke

    Since I turned agnostic, I believe that life is like a football match. Once the final whistle goes off, that is IT. The final whistle went off. Dandara is gone. He is neither happy nor sad. The match ended. He is nowhere. That was just a dream. There is no afterlife. No purgatory. No heaven. No hell.

    That is what I tell myself. Whether I believe it or not is a story for another day. I miss him too.

    • Nikitta, I will not join him, on condition that you stop being agnostic. Because if you remain agnostic, and something happens, the way it did to Dandara, I will not be sure where my lil sister went. And that’s not a good thing. Can you promise to atleast try? 🙂

  1. What exactly are you still holding on to? Your brother is ok wherever he is. You even admitted it yourself. This is about you and something that you are not letting go of *shrug* My 2 cents 🙂 Let me see if I can get an extra dreamcatcher and send it your way 😀

    • When two people who don’t know each other tell you the same thing, it means there is some truth in it. My BF told me the exact same thing. I probably I’m still holding on to something (I didn’t know I was), I have actually been feeling pretty strong lately. When you do get thee extra dreamcatcher, please do send it my way 😛

    • Mo
    • April 12th, 2011

    Dandara is somewhere. And he is happy.

    I don’t normally do this but… can we do coffee? I like talking to complex, interesting people (that is a big compliment in my book) and you’re an excellent example of one. DM me on my Twitter account if you’re interested. Just coffee and a chat. Corny pick-up lines not included. 🙂

    • He definitely is somewhere and I believe he is also happy. No doubt. Meanwhile, how has your comment made me laugh. Hate to burst your bubble, I may be complex but not interesting, did you not catch my last post (before this one)? 🙂 I will hit you up on twitter nonetheless. Thanks for stopping by Mo!

  2. You must have been very close to Dandara.I know how hard it can be to let go. But time heals and I hope it does the same to you.

    • We sure was. We are only 3 kids so we loved each other like there was no tomorrow. Yes, time will work it’s wonders. Thanks 🙂

  3. Damn girl …you’ve unleashed the tears once again. *hugs dear*

  4. He’s fine wherever he is. You are the one who might not be ok with his departure. As SG has side, time heals all wounds. Yours will heal too though I can’t promise no scars

    • Thanks Savvy. True the scars may remain forever. But it has gotten better with time.

    • Tyra
    • April 13th, 2011

    Me thinks :
    1.Dante was stopping by to say hi and to show you that he’s always with you in spirit.
    He’s in a far better place ..I know it and so do you :)x
    2. I concur with the peeps who say that you are holding on to something ….look deep down, make peace with it and just let it go!

    My 3cents Xoxo

    • Ty ty, I see you is 1 ct above the market rate huh? 🙂

      You say everything right babe. Thanks for being there. xoxo!

  5. Hey girl. He’s definitely in a better place. Plus i think, he’d want you to be OK with that and enjoy living…

    • Thanks girl. I am fine now. The dream didn’t manage to throw me off 🙂

  6. Sad. The prospect of losing someone I deeply care about, more so my small bro or sis is so scary I’m even afraid to talk about it. May God touch your soul and assuage the pain.

    • The thought is scary. The reality is worse. Thanks you 🙂

  7. The Mind is a pretty amazing item won’t you agree?

    Everybody and everything is energy. And if you remember your physics (I don’t..that dude wasn’t called piriton for nothing) Energy can neither be created and (this is the important bit) destroyed.

    The energy that is Dandara is fine. Always will be.

    And don’t worry about Lil Sis. The path of the seeker is long but ultimately fufilling. And her energy is and will be fabulous too.

    There are some interesting programs that help you discover whats lying around unresolved in your life and brings em up to the surface for you to deal with. Will look em up and holla.

    You are fine hon. No really.

    • Lol. You also had a teacher called Piriton? 🙂

      True that thing you say about the mind. Last Sunday, a very close friend of mine was really lamenting about missing her mum, and I remember noting how strong I have been lately about missing Dandara and my mum as well. What do you know? My mind suddenly decided to bring all those ridiculous dreams my way… Nhoo. Do shout when you lay your hands on them programs ey? Thanks Sam. You are good peoples!

  8. The Lord has a reason for every single thing he does and I am sure that your bro is definitely in a better place!

    • nymmoh
    • April 26th, 2011

    What can I say that already have not been said here? All I know is I belong to club weird-of-the-weirdest-sometimes-scariest-dreams-ever!! Maybe its our subconscious that’s super active, maybe its our psyche that is quite sharp or maybe we have a creative imagination. I don’t know. All I know is at some point I just stopped trying to figure it out no matter how horrid the dream was. I chose to believe they are just that, dreams!

    • Nymmoh. They are just that-dreams! That revelation has set me free. No really!

  9. Hi, love your articles and especially this one. I lost a loved one a while back I keep on dreaming with her….. but I guess its their way of showing they are with us in spirit hope it does not sound spooky. All is going to be well. Take care gal.

    • Sometimes I enjoy dreaming about them, especially when I miss them. But most times it’s a bit scary. Thanks for reading Jackie! 🙂

  1. August 20th, 2011

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