When Love Becomes Tragic…

I love stories. Reading them. Listening to them. Telling them. Heck, even eavesdropping on them. The jury is still out on whether I am a good listener, but I can tell you for free that I derive a lot of pleasure in telling stories. I get a high, sort of like a superstar moment. You know how everyone keeps quiet to listen to your animated tale as you narrate it, then when you get to your punch line, they all burst out in laughter? You do? Super! Those are the kinda moments my mind replays over and over with glee. Some stories are good. Others are bad. Others are *really* bad—like the one that happened last Saturday.

I have been following the story of the slain journalist one—Wambui Kabiru, very closely. You may read that story here. Many people friend and foe alike observed that these two (her husband and her) were deeply in love with each other. If this is the case then, what went wrong? There is the argument that no one knows for sure that it was her husband that killed her. True. But supposing he is the one, what would make a man kill his wife, the mother of his son, his lover?

I have really pondered on this question for a while, seeing as I have the tendency to over dissect stuff. Morbid curiosity I like to call it. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s not. But really, relationships are not the easiest things around. Two people, who may otherwise look very happy to the outside world, may indeed be dealing with very tough issues. The complexities that come with relationships are so mind boggling that I rank them as one of the world’s greatest mysteries. Up there with why women stay in abusive relationships. I discovered that “The Rules” (between the genders) is really a non-existent tome. If such a tome existed, I can assure you that every living creature, including whales would get it. I mean, who doesn’t want theirs to be the ideal relationship, devoid of pain and drama?

I have a theory. Two people start out in love. Everything is nice and dandy until an issue rudely intrudes the couple’s bliss. The aggrieved party quickly refers to their imaginary “the-rules-book” and discovers that communication is *thee* solution. They then communicate their disappointments with the expectation that things will change. Things don’t change. Enter disappointment. Relationships are about work, right? They try communicate again. Things remain constant. This is where pride checks in. They decide to stop looking weak and carry on as if without a care in the world. What they don’t know, is that these issues are simmering into what may become a possible volcano. The next thing you know, passions explode and these two are breaking each other’s necks.

Where I’m I going with all this? Ladies, it is awesome to be committed to keeping your relationship going. It is royal to want your child to grow up with their father, but not if it will cost you your life. What happened to her could happen to you and me. It is not in our place to point fingers or judge but it is imperative that we learn from what happened in order to avoid becoming statistics. A man will not wake up and kill you out of the blue. But there will be tens if not hundreds of red flags. (And if you wait for the flags to get to hundreds, may God help you.) The red flags will be those manipulative tendencies, mind games, repeated abusive remarks towards you—the kind that mess up your self esteem. It will be that raised voice, uncontrolled passions, a slap, a shove, it will be the discovery of his lewd ways, a threat (yes, any one that utters the words “I will kill you” WILL KILL YOU). Listen to your intuition. In reference to the aforementioned incident, the lady is said to have texted her friends saying she was afraid for her life. RUN. LEAVE. GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU DIE.

When it comes to matters of abuse (whichever kind), ladies there is no room for modus vivendi. None whatsoever. Please I implore you in the strongest terms possible, talk to someone. Your sister, your friends, your parents, God even. Find help. Abusers (if that is a word at all) have an uncanny way of keeping you dependent on them. This dependency and lack of action later culminates in debacles such as the deaths of the victims of abuse.

To quote the good Book, the Bible: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Cor. 13: 4-7) This I am convinced is God’s idea of love.

I tell this story, because it is my story.

Yeah, I just said that!

  1. Victims of abusive relationships stay in them because they think they deserve to be taken advantage of. They feel guilty about something they did. When they realise that they have stayed too long they feel dumb. “How can I be so stupid?” They are afraid of people finding out because the same people will ask why. “Why do you allow him to hit you?” So they harbour all these poisonous feelings until one of them snaps.

    • MercyMaina
    • May 6th, 2011

    Damn. This should be a headliner article!! Totally co-sign!! No matter how many Oprah or Tyra shows i watch, i still don’t get why women(or Vice-versa) stay with an abusive partner, that’s a No-No.

    • Thanks for stopping by gal. I think it’s one of those mysteries. A friend told me on my FB, the thing to do is to support those who are going through such. If they don’t feel judged, it makes it easier for them to walk.

  2. This is good advice, I agree with you. The Wambui story is so sad 😦

    • Very very sad. I doubt it will leave my mind anytime soon 😦

  3. Wambui’s story is a sad one. Like a coin, every story has a second side. I’m curious about the part of the story we don’t know about. I’m curious about his side of it. I’m just curious.

    I’ve never understood why women stay in abusive relationships. I had this discussion with my mother once, she said it’s not as easy to walk out of a marriage as we think. I maintain, if a guy raises his hand up to me, that’s it!

    • You and me both. I am terribly curious about what happened that night. What is the husband’s side of the story. Whether he will tell, time will tell. Why women stay in abusive relationships is something only shrinks can explain. Complicated issues those.

    • nikittacole
    • May 12th, 2011

    The jury is out.

    Will the defendant please rise?

    Forelady, have the members of the jury reached a verdict?

    Yes my Lord, we have.

    And what is the verdict?

    On one count of being a poor listener, we the jury find the defendant … GUILTY 🙂

    This is indeed a sad story. I’m your inverse. I love hearing stories, listening to them, reading about them, watching them unfold …

    No one will ever understand. I liken it to being gay (let the record state that I’m straight as a ruler). The outsiders are convinced that ‘these people’ have a choice. But the insiders argue that it is not a matter a choice. It’s not as simple as we (outsiders) think. The best thing is to love them and be there for them without judging them.

    I think.

    • Hahahaha. Thank you sister dearie for being such a darling. Not! 🙂 Well said. Thanks for you input.

    • Val
    • May 12th, 2011

    You know one time my housemate was beaten up by her boyfriend. Shock on me because they seemed such a lovey dovey couple. Black eyes and everything :(. We tried talking to her, her friends tried talking to her, even his friends tried talking to her. At least to give the relationship a break. She didn’t want to listen and distanced herself away. They are still together 😦 I still can’t understand why she stayed. They are so young that I fear that the violence is something she will become accustomed to. I think he still doesn’t understand what he has done, but the fact that she stayed made it seem like it was ok for him to do what he did.

    • Such a sad story. Yet so reminiscent. I think only God can get people out of bad relationships.

  4. Thanks for your post. There are thousands of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Fear is a big one.

  5. When you say this is your story, does it mean you went through this? Very sad, especially when it starts happening to young teen girls with their abusive teenage boyfriends…

  6. rest in peace. we have lost a great journalist

  7. thanks for writing this. more women need to be saying this in love to more women. m

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