Dear Diary…

Once upon a time, when I was 14 years old, my precious father bought me a diary. I can’t remember what occasion it was, but I suspect he was cultivating a writing culture in me. What my father later found out was that my diary was used primarily for soliloquy. Endless self-discourse(s) with non other than yours truly. Many stories featured in my diary, chief among them mother dearest. She was my pen’s object of affection. Every little bad thing she did to me (read: discipline) was chronicled in my diary. Passionately! In retrospect, I was a teenager with raging hormones and all female teenagers fight with their mothers. *shrug*

Nhoo, one day my mum was going through my stuff (by stuff here I mean, inside my closetβ€”where I used to hide the unmentionables, inside a box, inside a paper bag, inside…) and she found my diary and read it. She was confounded even heartbroken. She could not believe the mean things I had written about her. Being the conscientious kid that I was, I vowed to never hurt my mother like that ever again. I broke up with my diary. Five years later, life happened and I had to move to Mombasa to stay with my uncle. I was in a strange environment and dealing with so many difficult things. My mother had just died, and just so many other bad horrible things were happening at the time. I hadn’t made any friends to confide in, and there were no cell phones then, meaning I could not talk to my family and friends back home. My uncle was quite military with me and every minute out of his house had to be accounted for, so chances of me making any friends was close to none. My diary was pleading for a comeback. I gave in.

To cut this story short, the same cycle as what happened with my mother happened with my uncle. I wrote *REALLY NASTY* things about him in my diary. That he was a monster, who was like a dragon devil. Ok, I didn’t write that but I wish I wrote that, just so that he would have learnt never to go into a girl’s closet, to find her diary. Such a faux pas! Nkt! The dramas that ensued only made me break up with my diary for the second time. Besides, by the time my uncle confessed to sneaking into my stuff and reading my diary, I had made friends and I was even ready to move back home, to Nairobi.

Right now I’m in a really dark season. The deep dark throws of depression are beckoning at me. It’s like I’m falling down fast and no matter what I do, I just keep falling deeper and further. Fast. I am failing and failing fabulously. Everything that could go wrong is going wrong. My job is not exciting any more. Every day an invisible bulldozer bulldozes me from home to work where I go through the day in utter disinterest. I carry out all my duties on auto-pilot mode. I couldn’t be bothered to be enthusiastic. It doesn’t help that I feel ostracized by some people, some of whom seem to derive sheer pleasure in back stabbing me. My finances are in a total mess. My age vis-a-vie what I have achieved make me feel like the unproclaimed queen of hopeleness. Nothing is beautiful any more. I haven’t seen the sun in days (I know the sun’s been out and all, it’s just that where I am there is chronic darkness). Nothing makes my heart skip a beat, I have nothing I’m looking forward to, and my life feels like it will remain this way forever and I will die the most unhappy person ever. And they will write on my tombstone, “Herein lie the remains of Shekyn, she failed fabulously“. I also feel that even after I die, I probably will get bored wherever I will go (remember that bad dream I had about my bro) because the state of affairs between me and God are equally messy. No one seems to understand my veritable quest. I have never felt so alone.

These are just some of the things that I have written in my diary. See, me and my diary are back together. Maybe my diary will help me maintain my sanity. Did I ever tell you guys that I am a autodidact Logistician by profession? That’s what I do. Part of my job is to stock-take.

Dear diary, I am closed for stock-taking.

Yeah, I just said that.

Ps. I will be away from my usual social interactions for a while.

P.p.s. I just want to register my sincere, heart felt appreciation to you guys for reading my blog and for the comments that you share. They bless my heart so much. To the new reader welcome aboard. I totally love you guys. I really do. All 10 of you πŸ™‚ Mwaaah!

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  1. “I just want to register my
    sincere, heart felt appreciation to you
    guys for reading my blog and for the
    comments that you share. They bless
    my heart so much.”
    Well, thanks for blessing our hearts with your writing too!
    And remember to never despair. In retrospect things are rarely ever as bad as they seem.
    Peace!

    • True, things are never as bad as they seem – that is after things back to normal. Thanks for reading.

    • savvy k
    • May 14th, 2011

    Hey dear,

    Was glad I met you last year… I wasn’t at the best of places and you helped me out! Hata kama it was support on the phone, email etc.

    So if you need some cheering up, cup of coffee maybe?

    • Hey Savvy. That is what friends are for. This coffee date is long over due. Hollar!

  2. You seem to be having a burnout, what is? Any way in your hiatus I pray you find the sun again, see the colours, and smell the fragrances of the earth (though with polution I bet there will be some element of smoke and dirt but we can ignore those no?). Great time re acquainting with your diary πŸ™‚

    • Hey Mackel. What can I say, God answered your prayers. Hope life is sunshiny on your side. Bless.

    • bobo
    • May 16th, 2011

    its strange that on the day I read this you are helping me through something…you said nothing is beautiful but I object coz you are.. whatever this period is,as glib as this sounds, it will pass. until it does all 10 of us have inboxes, dm’s, email addresses πŸ™‚ always ready and waiting!! hugs sis!!

    • Awww Bobo! Thank you so much for indeed your inbox and DM was opened to me and for being so sweet as to check on me. Wishes for showers of blessings over you πŸ™‚

  3. Love, I pray that you get your sunshine soon. Take a break if you have and find some peace, take stock. I love this blog, praying that you keep it running.
    Keep well dear. πŸ™‚

    • The break worked wonders! This blog loves you right back. Thanks for the prayers. Bless you dearie πŸ™‚

    • nymmoh
    • May 17th, 2011

    This too shall pass. You are a fighter Shuhi. Just imagine you will look back and chuckle, trust. Bear hugs.

    • You know what Nymmoh, I am a fighter. Thank you for reminding me. And guess what? I overcame. Blessings.

    • nikittacole
    • May 17th, 2011

    How is it possible that I have laughed so hard and then almost cried all in one post 😦

    I salute you for being brave enough to confide that you are in a ditch. Sometimes I think I might die and evryone will be surprised cos they’ll all be telling each other, I thought she was fine. She looked ok. I tend to keep quiet with all my problems thinking that voicing them makes me somewhat weak.

    That u share this with all ten of us πŸ™‚ is a cry for help, I think. And often times, it is the one who seeks help who finds it. May you find it. It is well.

    Hugzzzz!!!

    • I wouldn’t get another sister if I could. Thank you so much babe. Love you!

  4. You feel alone, Shekyn, because you ARE alone. Being alone is however not a bad thing because the alternative is being with/around the wrong person/people who only catalyze the downward spiral.

    So I’m glad you’ve gotten back together with your diary– with yourself. The little I’ve come to know about you (from reading your blog) is enough to tell me that your “self” the best person to be spending time with in this hard times.

    Pamoja!!

  5. Been trying to write such a post since morning. I also feel lost and I feel I need a time out. But I’ll tell you this..nothing lasts forever…this too shall pass and before you know it you/we will be laughing out loud and rolling on the floor…cheers girl..

    • Hey Dy. Are you out of the rut? And laughing like you promised we would? I pray you are, ‘coz I am. Peace and blessings.

  6. Did I make the 10 cut? If not, here’s to 11! I’ll send my guardian angel to you tonight so you’re not alone. Chin up

    • Sup missy, ‘course you made the 10 mark πŸ™‚ This chin is so up, I look arrogant. Hehehe. I’m back to form. Woop!

    • nkirdizzle
    • May 24th, 2011

    Is this the reason why you have been away from my timeline?
    I really hope you get to see the sunshine again.
    all these people above and i am sure many others do care about you and wouldn’t like to hear that you feel so alone.
    i am sure this is just a passing cloud, everything will be great very soon.

    • Thanks babe. I guess I have no excuse to ever feel that way ever again. Thank you so much for the time you checked up on me. You is awesome! πŸ™‚


  7. this is what I listen to in my dark gloomy dreary season

    • I loooooove Third Day. Hadn’t listened to this song, but I have loved it… thanks so much for stopping by and even sharing such a powerful powerful song. Bisous!

  8. Hey gal, Where on earth did you disappear to ? I hope life’s treating you well?

    • Nyambura! Here I’m I. Was on a littu hiatus over there. It’s good to be back.

    • Elae
    • June 28th, 2011

    The best thing about that phase in life, its like when the caterpillar goes into a cocoon…it thinks life is over and its not sure of the outcome! But its a phase of regenerating and re-energizing….once you emerge, it will be a beautiful new you! note the word new!!! its no wonder that its darkest before dawn!

    • If there is one thing I feel now, now as I write to you Elae, is NEW. Thanks for stopping by here. I appreciate.

  9. It happened to me too, my mother got a hold of my diary and read it. I had written awful things about her in it and she was destroyed by it! I was a teenager then. I blogged about it a while back too. What I’m trying to say is that I can totally relate, although I’m entirely a different person now and I love life.

  10. Interesting! I will look for that post on your blog. I love life too, I just had a brief down time and now I’m back to being A1. Thanks for stopping by bro.

    • njoki
    • July 30th, 2011

    I am kinda new here and totally loving your blog. I hope you feeling better now. Pretty thing about being down is that you can only go up:)

    • I love new people stopping by here Njoki πŸ™‚ I’m A-okay now. They are called seasons of life, innit?

    • Kmaa
    • October 10th, 2011

    I hope you are over it given that am reading this 2 months later. I’m however going thro the same now and i know how it feels its a sad state, its so sad coz noone can understand and thats where the diary comes in handy. Its worse for me as my exp with diaries are not the best (seems there’s nowhere hidden enough for them, sm1 snoopy will get it smhow) nice blog!

    • I already did get over it. Guess what? You will too!!! πŸ™‚

  11. Old post i know …..but nice post. third day is great!

  12. just stumbled upon your blog and strangely I thought you were a guy. Your writing is deep!! Look forward to catching up…

    • Such comments make me want to go on πŸ™‚ Thanks for passing by here, remember to return. Ps. Guy? I wonder what made me come across as guy though. Very interesting.

  1. May 26th, 2011
    Trackback from : dear diary | Neo-Bohemian
  2. May 26th, 2011
    Trackback from : dear diary | Vintage Bohemia
  3. July 9th, 2011
  4. August 20th, 2011

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