Mourning: When it Hurts So Bad!

Amunga F. Baby!

Every time I come to write on my blog, I feel different. Sometimes I feel like a superstar, sometimes I feel like a proud aunt, sometimes I feel like a tour guide but today I feel like a politician. I feel like a politician because this is the one place I come once in a while–not as regularly as I should. This is the place that I make promises that I don’t keep. One such promise is the promise to post regularly. God knows my heart desires to do so, but life happens.

From reading my blog you may know that I have had my fair share of “life happens”. I come from a very small family comprising of my Dad, Mum, Me, My sister and My brother. I lost my Mum and I also lost my brother. When such things happen to you, you see life differently. So, growing up I didn’t see the need to do many things that people do. I couldn’t be bothered to party a lot, I didn’t have the time to be in relationships because I kept thinking there is more to life. If I thought something was vain, I did not give it another second of my time. I found myself gravitating more towards making meaningful relationships with people. People that were there for me when I was going through these tough seasons. That was my thing. And loving my family like it was the last thing I had.

To survive these seasons, you need a support group. People that can be your friends. Friends that you can call just to cry, friends that you can tell that you are feeling really crappy. Friends that can pray for you. Friends that can distract you by making you laugh. Friends that bring back the sunshine. The interesting thing about a support group is that you don’t choose it. It chooses you. These friends offer to be there for you. They check up on you, they pray for you and they love you out of their own volition. Their intentions are pure. They just want to see you back to living your life. They don’t sympathize with you, they empathize. They feel the pain with you till you are ready to be pain free.

I have one such friend. His name is Silas. We call him Cylo. We met through a friend and our friendship grew steadily. We became close when my brother was ill in the days that led up to his death. He would always check up on me, to find out how my brother was doing, to share a word of encouragement. In the days that I felt like the sun has never shone, he would make very silly jokes and even if just for a fraction of a second, I would laugh again, and enjoy life again. We went through it all. Sickness. There is a time I was very sick and was admitted in hospital. There was a time he was sick and admitted in hospital. But we lived to tell the story. Even bad relationships. We laughed ourselves silly about them and we always hoped for the day we would both meet the people who would make us happy. And find them we did. They were such good friends with my boyfriend. We got to hang out all of us severally. He even hosted us in Zanzibar and we had a time of our life!

My friend Cylo is no more. He died very suddenly two weeks ago after a short illness. We buried him one week ago. I feel like I had an out of body experience because the exact details of what happened on the day of his burial are sketchy in my mind. I can’t believe he is gone. I have cried then some. I have cried in the bus, on the road, in the office, EVERYWHERE. When the tears start rolling, there is no way of stopping them. I can’t understand why it happened. I can’t seem to get comforted. I can’t even pray. I feel like the ground that I stand on has shifted suddenly. My whole world is spinning. I’m back to wondering what is the point of it all. Don’t ask what “it” is, because even I don’t know. Why did my friend have to go so soon? Before we had attended his lavish wedding in Zanzibar? ? He will not be there to be an uncle to my kids. I will not be an aunt to his “pointy” kids. Why did he die before we toasted to living? To finally seeing our dreams come true? Who will be my brother? Why didn’t he tell the angels to come back another time?

Losing someone is the one thing that completely defeats me. Every time I have lost a loved one, my life stops for a moment–the annoying thing is that it only stops for me but continues for everyone else. Life loses it flavor as fear sets in. Fear of the unknown. The fickleness of life becomes so real. Now you are here, the next minute you are gone. I’m reminded that life has no guarantees. I have no idea how to deal with grief except wait it out. Wait for time to heal the pain that tears me inside. When I go to the Bible to look for answers to this pain, I get comforted by the fact that God Himself knows the pain of death. I say God because Jesus is God. John 11:35 “Jesus wept.” This is after he was told his friend Lazarus was dead. Jesus wept because He was moved by compassion for His friends Mary and Martha. Every time I feel like I’m not strong, I’m reminded of his parents, fiancée, his two sisters and two brothers. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God would listen to their heartache and heal them the way only He can.

I don’t even think this post is enough to get everything I feel off my chest. I will be back to write for that person who will be faced by grief and won’t know who to talk to, what to do when s/he can’t sleep at night because s/he is afraid that if s/he closes her eyes s/he might die. I will be back to write for that person who has drained everyone around them for talking about the loss of her/his loved-one too much. I will be back to write for that person who wants to ask God so many questions but is afraid to ask because God should never be questioned. I will be back to tell them that I too felt this way when I lost: My mother. My brother. My friend–Silas Amunga J. Namale.

Yeah, I just said that!

Photo credits: David Mutua

Ps. I thank me bebe for his exceptional support during these very trying times. I know we share the loss.

Pps. This blog mourns the loss of one of it’s faithful readers. Check out Cylo’s (aka Janeko) blog here

Pps. This dance will always make me laugh. He invented the damn dance! He was a fun guy, so full of life. *drum rolls* I present the Odiero dance.

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    • Talu
    • July 10th, 2012

    My dear dee, first of all sorry for ur loss we never understand how life works. For certain through my own losses I have learnt that we heal thru praise and worship to God , He knows our pain and He tells us come ye all who labor and thirst and I will give you rest. It’s in all situations . Through it all God always has an ultimate plan to restore us to fullness. Never feel bad for remembering your loved ones, never feel bad to shed a tear or more when it hurts but above all, always talk to God and tell Him how you feel He listens, He releases and He heals. Be blessed dear.

    • Thanks Talu. Didn’t see it that way–the praise thing, but it’s an interesting way to look at it. Bless.

    • Sammy Thiongo
    • July 10th, 2012

    Cuzo I feel u and I will be always be there for you. Next time am in Kenya I will make time and see you. Take heart sweets

    • chemeli
    • July 11th, 2012

    tears are a language God understands…..

    • Awesome. Coz sometimes it’s hard to articulate the pain. Thanks for stopping by Chemeli.

  1. 😥 It is usually hard to know what to do or say in times like this. God will see you through this. Carry your friend’s memory with you. There’s still alot to learn from him.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss! Sigh…I am at a loss for words. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

    • Nashukuru. Prayers will be needed for sure. Much appreciated.

    • nkirdizzle
    • July 12th, 2012

    I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Look at it this way, you have another angel looking out for you in heaven.
    “Jesus Wept” for me was always the ‘shortest verse in the bible’ I never really knew what it meant or why he wept. So i thank you for putting it into perspective for me 🙂

    • Thank hun! I love that, another angel looking out for me 🙂 I was amazed to find that scripture, it was very interesting to make that discovery for myself as well.

    • nikittacole
    • July 12th, 2012

    Before I say sorry for your loss, let me start by saying that you tell a story quite well. This ranks top of my favourite blogs. It’s authentic. No, I am not biased 🙂

    They say time heals all wounds. So you give time time. But the pain of losing a loved one never goes away. I still cry over the loss of my Mom who died fourteen years ago. Fourteen years is a long time. The pain of losing a loved one can be compared to terminal illness. You have the good days and then you have the bad days. But it is ALWAYS there. You just find ways of dealing with it.

    I empathise. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

    • You my dear sister are good for my ego! 🙂 Yes, you find ways of dealing with it is more like it. Coz everyday it feels different.

  3. Very sorry for your loss. Like someone said in a comment above your writing is beautiful and sensitive. Though nobody knows all the answers I sense that you have a gift right here. There are many people who may be grieving who will find much comfort in this post. Thank you and God bless you.

    • Thanks Woolie. That has been one of the reasons that I come on here and lay my soul bare. I’m extremely encouraged. I appreciate your stopping by.

  4. As you said at time we want to question God “why did it have to happen this way”.But God has a purpose for everything that happens to us.He only can give us peace of mind and understanding.At times i think that if we ask him,he will tell us why.
    i can’t say i know how u feel but never the less i believe i understand the pain.At this moment you need to have supportive pple around you to help ease the pain.
    I never met cylo but i remember you used to speak highly of him.His work is not over yet,being an angel may he guide you in your daily activities.He also reminds us to always have the best of each moment for u never know what tomorrow brings along.(from his dance ,i can tell he used to have a lot of fun). We wont say Rest In Peace, we will say continue with the good work that u were doing down here and please make new friends
    @ dee the pain will fade but the memories will always be there.take heart and pray for strength.

    • Thanks girl. I appreciate every single thing that you have said. Mob wendoz.

  5. Shekyn, pole sana for your loss.. You just said that and you said it very aptly.

    • And thank you for reading my dear. Sorry I have let you down on that post we had talked about, but I will surprise you very soon. Please give me your email address. Thanks 🙂

    • carolkmail
    • July 13th, 2012

    I was in the middle of shedding tears for you, his family and his fiancee and then I burst out laughing when I saw that dance! So, instead of getting into a sob moment, let’s share. Remember when….{insert any and those happy, ROTFL moments you had with him here} Sending you love and light 🙂

    • Wasn’t it something? The dance I mean. Yer it makes me laugh, though on some days, it makes me cry. Thanks so so much Carol.

    • Caroline wanjiru
    • July 16th, 2012

    I truly feel you, what u shared is something that will help someone else who is in the same position or worse.thanks for opening your heart to us,not every one can,but u dee are gifted.

    • For everyone this post helps, I will give all the glory to God. Thanks for reading Shiro.

  6. I think everyone has said what I would like to say. So sorry for your loss.

  7. beloved, thank you so much for sharing this experience and for sharing the wonderful friendship you had with Cylo. Have been thinking of you often since you wrote this and continue to hold you up. Yes, I agree that “Losing someone is the one thing that completely defeats me.. too.” Love and light, m

    • Beloved, I would like to thank you very much for the prayers. I’m sure that God has sambazad those prayers especially to his family and his fiancée. Thank you oh so much and may you be blessed abundantly.

    • Jed
    • August 1st, 2012

    i lost my sister a month ago through suicide. one moment we spoke on phone and the next minute she took her life. The pain is too much….but we thwnk God who gives and takes away. Do not worry God holds your tears in His hands.

    • I can’t say just how sorry I am to hear that. My thoughts and prayers go to you Jed.

  8. My condolences to you and Cylo’s family, hope you find comfort during this huge loss, its always never easy and at times you might feel like you want to question God but it all in his plans… Take heart and be strong Shekyn

  9. It must have been a tough time for you, yet I know we sometimes do not understand the things of God. Take courage in God’s word, ‘He comforts us in our moments of sorrow that we too may comfort others’ (1 cor 1:3-4). Again, don’t struggle 2 understand everything God’s doing…you’ll never! just ask for His grace

  10. You can never tire me with all this talk. this is the essence of life. God bless you dear.

  11. RIP my brother!! May God comfort you my dear.

    • PATTY AMUNGA
    • September 25th, 2013

    Seems like yesterday, l miss my brother so much. Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. l consider you my family. l cry…l cry….l still have so many questions. Sometimes am angry that life seems so unfair but they say…that’s life. What is life? Some say time heals wounds but my wound will never heal….he left us with a very big wound. R.I.P small bro…

    • Hugs dear. I can imagine how it feels. I feel that way about my own brother. What makes me take courage is that good things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. That is what is called life. Some of those questions will be answered one day. You are my family and we will get through this, no matter how long it takes. Thanks Patty.

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