Soliloquy: To Be or Not To Be?

Image via Google Images

Image via Google Images

I need to get my sh*t together.

Like seriously. What do I want to do with my life? Do I even know the answer to this question? It’s like one minute I’m so sure that I want to be a writer and before long I change my mind and decide that this writing thing is too out there for me. It’s too out there for me because ever since I started looking for a writing gig, all I have gotten is opportunities to write about abstract things. I hate abstract. I want to write about real stories, that real people can relate to. AND be so damn good at it, that I get paid for it.

I know I can be a damn good writer. I do. But I know the price I need to pay–work real hard. I don’t want to work hard ‘coz my mind doesn’t want to work hard. My concentration span admires that of a two-year old. I get disinterested with things so fast. I find myself getting bored. I keep feeling like I’m looking for something else. I’m not grounded. I’m not consistent. I keep sabotaging myself. It usually starts with me having this kind of a pep-talk with myself. Then I set goals for myself. Mostly, these goals are not realistic becauseΒ  my other weakness is that I am an over achiever. Then, I set out to meet my goals, then I get distracted and my mind completely refuses to do what I will it to do, then I fall into an abyss of self-doubt, then I feel a lot of shame. For not being able to “back it up”. At such times, when I look in theΒ  mirror, all I see is a fraud.

Everyone’s asking me how things have been since I quit work. To be honest, these have been the best days of my life. I sleep as much as I want, I eat as much as I want to (which explains why I have grown so … I refuse to call myself fat), I feel like I’m in charge. However, this worries me. DO I HATE WORK THAT MUCH? How long I’m I going to keep up with this “hot air” thingamajig where I tell the world, that there is something in the pipeline, when really there isn’t? And if there really was something simmering and maybe I was to get this job that I was told about (that is like my current dream job), will I be satisfied with it? Will I be glad, when I finally start waking up and going there everyday? I don’t think so.

Today, all I want to be is …

To be or not to be?

Yeah, I just said that!

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  1. Yet another piece… i like it. πŸ™‚ over look the feelings they are fleeting… this piece reminds me of a phrase: “Change starts with the person staring at me from the mirror”…is that correct English? πŸ™‚ i await more from you. πŸ™‚

    • Hi Reh,

      I like that quote very much and Yes it is correct English. Thanks for stopping by as always. Can’t wait to see You later today.

      xoxo

  2. I love the fact that you can be so brutally honest with yourself. As always, an interesting and very thought provoking read.

    • fra
    • February 10th, 2013

    Check out your gmail {shekynblog@gmail.com}, yes? Yes.

    • Thanks fra. Means a lot. Email seen and replied to.

  3. hey you… so good to be reading you again. super! and we needs to do yet another coffee! when? i have “the secret” info to share or atleast discuss! :- )* and gal, i so look forward to reading you writing stories about real people; real stories and you being so good at it that you get paid for it. just do it?

    • Hey m.

      Thank you!! Ok, I will just do it. Keep doing it. We should have that coffee asaply. Let’s talk next week? I wanna here that “secret” storo πŸ™‚

    • Willy
    • February 16th, 2013

    ….and why.shouldn’t you be a full time
    writer when you write so good. Listen to your inner voice the answer is right there.

  4. You write so well. You are a good writer, do doubt about that.

    And what you said in this article, is exactly what I’m going through right now. I almost felt like you have been following me around or you are somewhere inside my brain. I quit my job too, for the same reason, having the same feelings, asking myself the same questions. Sometimes I get scared for my future! o.O Maybe we should become accountability partners πŸ™‚

    • Maybe we should? I’m encouraged to note that I’m not alone πŸ™‚

  5. I FEEL LIKE THIS!!! I’m still working a regular job but I always wonder if I left..then what?? The exact same fears you have expressed are what I think about every day. Did you get any answers coz I badly need some right now…

  6. Hey there! I’ve been reading your weblog for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Austin Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the fantastic job!

  7. I know how you feel. There’re many times when I wish I could be doing something else. When I wish I had your courage or even enough money somewhere to allow me to quit my job and just enjoy life.

    But at the end of the day we just take each day as it comes. As for writing, it’s true it requires one to work very hard and be very patient. But the fruits at the end of the day must be very sweet and juicy.

    • Don’t worry girl, you will find your thing. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Hey Shekyn? How are you keeping, it has been aaaaaagggggeeeeeeeeeesss since I read you! The way I miss that nonchalant “Yeah, I just said that!” sign off, well all am saying is I miss you, I miss your writing come back… πŸ™‚

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